Passive-aggression:
Oh, that hurts!
Alice McCornwall
Most of the time he's Mr. Nice Guy: kind, cooperative, supportive.
But sometimes, when you really need him, he's not there. Like the
day he forgot he promised to help you wallpaper the kitchen. When
you reminded him, he got angry. Then you felt guilty. She's your best
friend. When you were dieting, she was your biggest cheerleader. But
when she gave you a birthday present of Godiva chocolates, you felt
confused. You smiled and thanked her, but you were left thinking that
her gift was anything but generous. If these scenarios remind you
of someone, you've been the victim of the sugarcoated hostility of
a passive-aggressive.
It could be a family member, a friend, a partner, or a co-worker.
Someone who says they like or even love you but whose actions
send you subliminal messages of anger and hostility so confusing that
you wonder what you did wrong."Passive-aggressive people are
like snowballs with rocks inside," says Tamara Hall, an educational
consultant who gives presentations about this complex disorder to
schools and businesses. "They come at you soft, but they're not.
They can do a lot of harm."
They can wreck your relationship, your reputation, and sometimes even
your self-esteem. Your best protection: Learn to see them coming and
react in ways that will soften the blow and disarm them. Understand
What Makes Them Tick
Passive-aggressives are literally aggressive in a passive way. They
aren't hostile one moment and then kind the next. Instead, they perform
the maddening trick of being both at the same time According
to Linda Sapadin, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Valley
Stream, NY, "This person who has a strong need to be a nice guy,
not to be defiant and rebellious, yet he is defiant and rebellious."He's
never learned the right way "to express anger and hostility,"
adds Scott Wetzler, PhD, a professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein
College of Medicine in the Bronx, NY, and author of Living With the
Passive-Aggressive Man (Fireside, 1993).
Essentially, passive-aggression is kid stuff. When you tell kids to
go clean up their room, they grudgingly say okay, then the "forget"
or find other flimsy excuses. Most of us outgrow this behavior. But
for some people, this techniques works so well that they carry it
into adulthood. "It's an avoidance pattern, and that's the essence
of the passive-aggressive person," explains Dr. Sapadin.
Who's in Control Here?
What the passive-aggressive person is often avoiding is conflict,
expressing thoughts and feelings that are negative or socially unacceptable.
"Forgetting," couching his anger in kind words or jokes,
agreeing with you and then telling others you're wrong, being habitually
late these are just a few of the ways a passive-aggressive person
manages to express his hostility while still maintaining his "good
guy" image.
Using passive-aggression
is a way to control situations and people without seeming to be in
control. "Passive-aggressive behavior is a tremendous way to
manipulate people," says Hall. The passive-aggressive person
usually lacks the self-confidence to ask for, do, or say what he really
wants. He's so uncomfortable with self-assertion that he tries to
get his way by doing nothing. After, of course, telling you whatever
you want to hear. By allowing others to take charge, he leaves himself
only one option for getting what he wants: sabotage.
Know How They Hurt You
Dr. Wetzler calls passive-aggression "crazy-making behavior."
And who it makes the craziest is you the perplexed person on
the receiving end. Here's how it works on you: It makes you
the bad guy. Passive-aggressive hostility is so subtle, the skilled
practitioner is often in a good position to deny it's even there
blaming you for the inevitable confrontation that results. You blow
up; he remains calm. Suddenly you seem like the aggressor. Maybe even
to yourself. The incredible final straw, Dr. Wetzler says, is when
you apologize to him. Because your inner voice is telling you that
he's not being open with you, you experience conflict and stress.
It pushes your buttons. The passive-aggressive person has an almost
uncanny ability to know your vulnerable spots. He's an ace at shifting
the blame from himself to you, knowing you're likely to take it on.
If you point out what he's done wrong, he won't own up to it. "If
he agrees with anything, it will be how you're to blame, how you never
appreciate him, how hard he works, what sacrifices he makes. It's
always about you, not him," Dr. Wetzler says. It wrecks
your relationship. As you can imagine, passive-aggression will eventually
cripple any relationship, and especially an intimate one. In fact,
says Dr. Sapadin, passive-aggresssive behavior is on of the leading
causes of marital conflict. Since problems never really come out into
the open, they never get resolved. True intimacy may not even be possible
since passive-aggressives often deny their feelings.
React the Right Way
Spotting the warning signals of passive-aggression is a real challenge,
but it can be done. What do you look for? The quiz on p 125 highlights
some examples of passive-aggressive behavior. Once you're able to
recognize it, you can respond in ways that will not only protect you,
but help the other person as well. Nix the guilt. Don't think you're
to blame for the passive-aggressive's behavior; a passive-aggressive
person acts the same way with everyone. "As you ride the emotional
roller coaster, it's important to remember that it's his problem,
" says Dr. Wetzler. Don't get sucked into the game. Remember:
A passive-aggressive doesn't know how to respond appropriately to
his anger or to yours. When he does something covertly hostile,
don't act accusatory or dredge up old hurts. That kind of conflict
will trigger the passive-aggressive cycle you're trying to break:
He'll deny everything and claim you've misunderstood him. It's
okay to express your anger in fact, it's important. But stick
to the matter at hand and tell him how his actions make you feel.
Confront Him with his dishonesty. No one enjoys a conflict,
but to silently accept a person's passive-aggression will only reinforce
his behavior while raising your stress level. "You need to confront
him immediately and tell him you're very confused by his behavior,"
says Hall. "Tell him that he's being dishonest and trying
to control you, and if his relationship with you is important to him,
he has to stop behaving this way." Don't let him off the hook.
If you let a passive-aggressive get away with it, he won't change.
And that won't help either of you. Instead, try to create an atmosphere
in which he'll feel comfortable sharing his negative feelings with
you. Tell him, "I know you're angry. Please tell me about it."
Over time, he'll become more aware of his feelings and better able
to express himself.
HOW PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ARE YOU?
Because passive-aggression is so insidious, it can be hard
to identify. If you think someone you know may be passive-aggressive,
take this quiz. (And don't hesitate to apply it to yourself.) How
frequently does the person in question
...make excuses to avoid routine social or work obligations?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
...fail to keep promises, resulting in problems for you or
others?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
...complain of being misunderstood or unappreciated?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
...complain about and exaggerate his own misfortune?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
. ..have a pessimistic outlook even when things are going
well?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
...make attempts at humor that are laced with hurtful gives
and sarcasm toward you?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
...blame his failures on the behavior of other people?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
...agree with you, then go off and side with others against
you?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
...perform a task so slowly and inefficiently that it's tempting
to stop asking him to do it?
never .....................................................sometimes
.....................................................often
R E S U L T
S:
Give 0 points for each never, 1 for sometimes, 2 for often
· 0
Oh come on, nobody's that perfect!
· 1-4
Few passive-aggressive tendencies here.
· 5-8
Some passive-aggressive habits. Is it having a bad impact
on you?
· 9-12
A strong passive-aggressive streak here.
· 13-16
Extreme passive-aggressive tendencies. If we're talking
about a partner or loved one -- or you -- consider getting
counseling
